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Suddenly single mom

November 2, 2016

I haven’t written in a long time… life got busy.  Canning and other projects ceased as I tried to refocus my time on living in the moment and being present with my children in the limited moments of their childhood.  And in many ways I’m not sure that I felt that I had much to say.

I’m still not sure that I do, but nevertheless I find myself compelled to write again.  As my life takes me in unexpected directions, I feel compelled to put thoughts into words again.  And maybe this is perfect, because picking oneself up and moving forward in the midst of chaos is probably the ultimate definition of being a Best Intentions Mom.

So here goes… somewhat suddenly I have found myself a single mom.  Never in a million years did I think that this would be the case, but it is.  My best intentions did not save me from this fate.

But it is not all bad; like many things in life it is a mixture of blessing and challenge.  The best parts of being a single mom thus far: 

-unilateral decision making

-jamming to praise and worship music first thing in the morning 

-100 percent focusing on creating a peaceful, joyful home

– oodles of time with my beloved munchkins

The hardest part is being on my own most of the time.  And the occasional temporary bouts of melancholia.

Most of the time I feel strong.  I have had to be strong for so long, it’s old hat.  But there are these moments, here and there, where I feel overwhelmed or weak or just crushed by a heavy weight in my heart.  Tonight is one of those moments.  Nearly two months since I became a single mom and at once it feels like an eternity and a blink of an eye at the same time.  

I am learning a lot about my daughters.  I never knew that my oldest could be so insightful, piece together bits of information and process them in such sophisticated ways.  I thought she would repress her feelings and in the beginning she started to, but she has responded better to counseling than I could have ever imagined and she has blown me away with the way she talks about her feelings and the world she now lives in. 

I never knew my youngest could be so fierce.  I knew she was passionate, but I hadn’t seen in her such a remarkable capacity to throw her mind behind her heart in all things.  I am more afraid of her adolescence than I ever was before.  But at the same time, I look forward to it because she will be the one curling up with me to watch Nicholas Sparks movies, a box of tissues and some ice cream at hand.  She is the one who laughs loudest, cries hardest, loves the fiercest.  I admire her passion. 

I am also learning more about myself.  I am seeing pieces of an old me return but in new ways, and I am discovering pieces of myself that I didn’t even really know existed.  I had no idea I could be so chipper in the morning, once I finally get out of bed.  I had no idea I was such an old lady-perfectly content to listen to some classical music and go to bed at 9:30 at night.  

It’s not easy, and there are times when the old self doubts return and I wonder if I am destined to be alone for the rest of my life.  

Every day, one day at a time.  Just breathing in and out, spending time with the Lord whenever I can to strengthen me,  just loving my little girls and reminding myself of who I am and putting one foot in front of the other… 

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