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Late night reflections

November 11, 2016

This is one of those nights when I should be sleeping, need to be sleeping, but I can’t.  Even though seven a.m. will come too soon and I will need to get up for another day of kid activities and sports, I can’t shut off my brain long enough to fall asleep.

The hardest part of being a single mom is never getting to tag in that someone else.  When it’s me and the girls it’s all me, and there are no moments to simply step away and let someone else jump in when I’m getting frustrated.  And there have been more of those moments when I wish I could do that, as the girls work through and process their own emotions as our family changes.  In their immaturity, they don’t know how to just tighten up their belts and move forward, bury their pain and find the strength to put one foot in front of the other.  And this is probably a good thing, for adults try too hard sometimes to bury and hide the reality of what we are going through.  

I see that in myself.  Most of the time I feel strong and able to move forward, seeking positivity and my faith to comfort me and help me cope.  But I have these bleak moments when I want to just sink to the floor and weep or pound my fists against the wall or scream into a pillow until I am hoarse.  I have to be careful to find productive outlets for this, and to truly embrace the positive instead of superficially pretending to, otherwise I will fall apart.  And because my ability to cope and draw on my own inner strength is intricately connected to my ability to handle it with grace and compassion when my little girls seem to be falling apart…  Those nights when they get too tired and they lose their grip on their own strength… these could be a death spiral if I don’t allow myself to work through everything properly and find true healing. 

And so most of the time I move forward,and I succeed at truly putting one foot in front of the over.   Yet there are these other nights when sleep escapes me and the house is too quiet and I feel out of sorts.  I can hear my youngest snoring from the other room and the rhyming click of the fan above my head and the occasional car pass on the street outside.  Normally all of these sounds would be invisible, but on nights like tonight they are like a loud symphony making sleep impossible.  And my horrible brain won’t stop.  

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